Sarries TOUCH Player Profiles
If you’re new to the club here’s a quick guide to some of the characters you may or may not bump into at training or, just as likely, in the bar. No liability accepted for accuracy of descriptions…
Barry - Coach who likes to play but breaks down as often as a 1970s British car. Insists he’s still roadworthy. He isn't.
Marghe - permanently on a mission. Want something sorting? Who you gonna call?
Phil - Somebody get the man a hairbrush! Still living off past glory. We’ve seen the footage. It’s blurry AF.
Sag - aka "The Crab". Sideways runner with a season-ticket at the physios. Just don't let him near the rum.
Nick - Got off the drugs and the womanising. Touch rugby is helping him put his life back together.
Justin - powered by Duracell, he just never stops. Puts on a fake Saffa accent to throw you off guard. Be warned.
Oli - international man of mystery. Renowned bully and grudge-bearer.
Dom - wanna hear about Dom's ACL rehab? No? He's gonna tell you anyway so strap in...
Nerea - Spanish superstar. The only player in our squad who can catch one of Raihan's passes.
Jeremy - likes to play Touch like it's full contact. Resorts to cheap tactics when losing.
Zoe - Mum of 3 boys. This is less a hobby, more an escape plan. Problem is that she's being followed.
Kiran - Bull in a China shop. Has anger management issues so don't show him your teeth. Known to escalate situations that didn’t need escalating.
Helen - all round nice person! Clearly hiding a dark secret. Red flags all over the shop.
Rupert - Like a dog after a bone. Avoids warm up drills like the plague but then plays like an exocet missile.
Suzanna - Loves Sunday roasts and fist fights on a Friday. Lives for gravy and bad decisions. Now residing in Cork.
Raihan - more often than not two steps ahead of everyone, including himself. Don't expect to catch one of his passes.
Alice and Callum - Too nice to separate. Using touch rugby to spend more time together. Weaponised wholesomeness. Slightly unsettling.
Shaun - Operates best in confusion, caused mainly by himself. Says he wants structure. No evidence of that so far.
Courtney - a player whose decision-making improves week by week, starting with the decision to shave off his moustache.
Jonathan aka JT - Operates like a shopping trolley with one dodgy wheel.
Mags - spends every minute of every day living the Touch referee life, counting every step along the way like it's money. We knew it was a mistake to hand her the whistle.
Ian - Size 15 boots and uses every inch of them. Mostly on people. Who brought shin guards?
Asel - Maverick with a mean Goose-step. Clearly a fan of Top Gun (see what we did there?).
Duncan - A man of faith. Been around since the Ark. It shows. Thinks warm-ups are a personal choice.
Fiona - worth every penny of the loan fee we paid to Old Grammarians. Has turned apologising into an art form.
Chris - Cycles to work every day! Lycra enthusiast. Say no more. Married to Zoe. Say no more!
Amaan - One of our young guns. Receives plenty of advice from his dad and older brother. Thankfully he ignores them. Newly blonde.
Hayley - Sport Billy with a ponytail. Looks harmless. Absolutely isn’t. Never show her the outside.
James - a true Scotsman, he avoids sunlight at all costs, only showing up on the darkest, and gloomiest nights.
Shehan - ever-present and held together with tape and bandages. Has never knowingly taken the simple option.
Alex - youngest member of our squad. Some of our members own socks older than him. The future is bright...
Jen - Newbie immigrant from Tring. Too new to be rude about. So far.
Guy - grumpy dad. Somebody give him a hug. One eye roll away from losing it completely.
Owen - Level 3 ref who suddenly forgets the rules when he is playing. Level 3 ref - Level 0 accountability.
Emma - Lives across the road from the club. Obviously trying to run away from married life.
Lee - brash, loud and in-your-face are all things that Lee is not. On a journey of self-improvement which also includes carrying the kitbag for Barry.
Karen (aka Shirley)....Sun's out, guns out. Definitely on the juice!
Ali - A refugee from Belarus. He lives in the clubhouse changing rooms and accepts clothing donations.
Nik - Part of the furniture. Only plays when the golf course is closed. Says “trust me” a lot. You absolutely shouldn’t.
Pringle - Another one that thinks "he's still got it". Loves to party until the wheels fall off. Positionally challenged.
Avi - another of our younger set. We're all trying to work out how to slow him down.
Nara - Fiery Italian on the wing. Somebody is gonna get screamed at. It’s not personal. It just feels like it.
Marco - Loves Touch, slinging dice and Pokemon trading cards.
Elliot - Finchley refugee. Arrived after years of emotional damage. Says he’s “just happy to be somewhere organised” Another poor decision-maker. He’ll fit right in.
Ben - simultaneously both incredibly keen and mostly absent. Probably sailing the world.
Roy - Proper geezer! Watch the dummy...you've been warned. Owns a leather jacket and a complicated past.
Fiona - Courtney’s better half and somehow still smiling. Smiles through everything, including Courtney’s moustache era.
Elliot (not his real name) - Secret Squirrel. Plausible deniability.
Tudor - Frustrated retiree on medication, Stay well clear. Thinks he could win Love Island.
Alice - Friendly, organised, and suspiciously normal… for now. We’ve all agreed it’s an act.
Sharib - enjoys "constructive" dialogue with the referee. Penalised often. Has a PhD in excuses.
Dal - "Pass me the ball!" he shouts. A word of advice: Don't. The kind of person you warn new people about.
Austin - has taken to Touch like a duck to water. We're happy enough in his slipstream.
Zahin - Looks far too sensible to be hanging around this group. We assumed she'd got lost at first, but apparently she wants to be here. Deeply concerning.
Mario - Says “it’s under control.” It never is. Still learning the rules after 12 years. Knows just enough to be dangerous. Mostly to us.
Michael - Fresh face. Dirt pending. We're patient. Seems normal - that's the first red flag
Gayan - part of our Isipathana contingent. Secretly a fan of structure but don't tell Shaun or Asel.
Ramen - Fair weather player. Squeezes into his playing kit on warm Fridays only. Fitness not included.
Don - Another Saffa? Yawn! Its like they have nothing better to do with their time.
Pete - New arrival. Arrived out of nowhere with a gym bag and too much confidence. Background checks already underway.
Craig - The beard is gone now thank goodness. Runs like he's looking for a bathroom stall.
Andy - The frontal lobotomy has worked miracles. Still bites on occasion. We've all had our tetanus shots.
Remi - Only plays in summer because that's apparently the way it's done in Romania. Doesn't like mirrors.
John - Turns up on full moon evenings only. Shows up like a storm. Leaves like a problem.
Arjit - Has a glass left eye so only operates on the right wing. One-sided view of the world. Stands by it.
Florin - Built like a brick sh!thouse. Brings heavyweight energy to lightweight problems.
Jon - Sells himself to the highest bidder. Keeps saying “new year, new me.” The authorities disagree.
Manoj - We are still trying to find the switch to make him run in a straight line.
Colin V - former club Chair who moved to Canada to become a Sugar Shack Operator. Has a pet beaver named Eugene.
Foley - Gobby Aussie (is there any other kind?) Loves the club so much he set up a rival Touch team at OAs.
Bokke - Saffa export. Tracks free drinks with military precision. Rarely seen otherwise.
Flanders - Fled to Greece (or is it Turkey?) to escape his past . Flies in regularly for "Referee" work! Leaves before questions start.
Pete - swears he has a poker face. Whatever you do, do NOT ask him about his finger.
Simmo and Susie - Run illegal gambling dens and launder their money through our charity. Its a win-win for all parties
Colin C - coming to a cancelled AGM near you!